a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend...

being a trainee in national service doesnt permit me to visit the internet much. Or blogging for that matter. I havent been actively blogging for a really long time.

So I was bored. And sick. And sickness prevented me from doing i'm usual weekend activities of running or cycling around singapore. So i'm stuck with my laptop. That was when I randomly decided to visit some blogs. And I came across a blog with an entry that seems to be talking about me. Well i am quite surprised to see myself in anyone's attention, anyone other than my military commanders....

Well the reading the entry of the blog, I felt that I should write something too.

I'm quite sorry for the really drastic actions that I did. I just felt that I just didn't need a social life. Or rather, I don't deserve a social life.

I ended up destroying facebook, email.. lost all my contacts.. I was really depressed..

I remembered thinking back then, all these "friends on facebook", a few hundred of them, do they really care for me, even when I do care for them? We don't even say hi, let alone raise eyebrows.. So I felt that facebook was redundant. And began deleting everyone. Why her first?
I dunno. I think it was because she posted something which was then shown on my homepage. Someone had to be first. Her link being there right in front was just convienient. Clicked it, Scrolled down, "Unfriend friend" or something like that.. Then went on to the next person, who appeared in the list of "mutual friends".. It was like a game, a really sick game.. deleting one after another.. Trying to delete as much people before reaching a dead end and starting again with another person on my list of friends.

Sick. A really sick sick game. You might want to try with the people that you don't like on facebook. As for me, I ended up deleting everyone I knew...

I've been wondering if all i've been doing is right. If what I did is acceptable, to me, to others...

By the way, it's not your fault that I went on to kill my social life. You might have been the catalyst, but I don't want to see it that way. I'm just messed up. It's me. You're not the problem and neither are the other friends that I deleted in facebook. Its me.

I want to emphasize that it is not your fault. I was really stressed. But you couldnt have been the cause of the stress. You were away, in a faraway land of queens and princes and princesses.

I had a lot of problems back then. Just ended school knowing that i'm going to fail my As. Nothing to do. Cant get a job. I havent received my Enlistment letter and for some reason I was so afraid of going to prison. it was messed up. I thought my life will probably be like this until the day I die. I foresaw that I probably wont need the friends in facebook or facebook itself in this future that I thought about. So I deleted them. I felt a bit of pain, but at that moment, I honestly believe that it was the right thing to do, for me.



That was a few months ago. I got my enlistment letter, got enlisted. In the army now currently. I think I have recovered from that stupid event. If anyone says that what I did is immature, i would agree to them. I'm twenty this year and I feel the need to be more mature, especially with all the adult burdens coming down on me.

Even though i said that i've recovered, i think it is more accurate to say that i no longer think about the deleting incident. I am still an emo person, although I only cry when I watch really sad anime. In the army, everyone keep telling me that I am always too stressed, too serious and too stern. They keep telling me to lighten up, be happier and to smile more. I try to. My commanders also tell me to relax and to smile more, so it would be offence if I do not attempt to improve myself. But I still do not smile or laugh as much as any average person or during the time that we had together while you were still in school. I always have that "sian" look, a look that is definitely not a happy one, but a mix of anger and sadness and boredom. And even when i do smile, it always looks like a dishonest smile, unless I show my teeth like the Darlie guy. (By the way, I now use the SAF issued Colgate)

So about the facebook thingy, I happened to open a new one, after a lot of persuasion from my BMTC friends, who keep insisting me to have one, even when I already told them I already know what it feel like to have facebook. Every weekend on my weekend off from camp, I just post something on our platoon facebook group. Tell them somethings about Military Law (I feel an obligation to do so as a Military Policeman and a friend) and hope that what I tell them can help keep them out of trouble.

To the girl, who is the owner of the blog, who i used to love:
I'm not waiting for you, I'm glad you found your guy. And I'm glad youre happy. And I'm happy to know that youre happy.
I do have plans, I'm thinking of studying in a poly after two years of compulsory national service.
After poly, or if I do not get into poly, I will probably go back into the army. And I'm being serious here.
And yes you've changed. Sorry for not realising when I should have realised.
Sorry for suddenly cutting you off. I regretted what I did. But I just dont have the guts to add you in facebook. If I see you in Singapore or if I see see you in your country, I'm not sure if I'll approach you. After what I did, to you, I'm not really sure if I deserve to be treated as a friend. I'm just not confident in myself. I feel that I do not have the right to intrude into your life. Somehow, I am content with looking at you do well in life from a distance.
Thanks for thinking of me as a good friend, I shall cherish that.